Friends of Daniel Pearl

Daniel Pearl was an acclaimed journalist and passionate musician. Unfortunately, he is more widely remembered as the Wall Street Journal news reporter who was abducted and eventually murdered by Pakistan terrorists. A video was filmed of his murder to be used as a tool to spread hate and malice. In response to that unspeakable act of warfare, Todd Mack, a close friend of Danny started "Friends of Daniel (FOD) Fest" as a way to focus not on the horrific end to his life, but rather to promote and honor his ideals and passions during his life.

Daniel was a firm believer in the power that music has to bring people together on a level of commonality, rather than a constant focus on our differences. Music speaks a universal language that can touch us all differently, yet unite us with a common melodic thread. That is the power of FOD Fest.

Recently the Fest stopped at Cafe Carpe in our humble little town of Fort Atkinson, WI and brought the universe, and Daniel Pearl's spirit, with them. The organization calls upon local artists for an impromptu jam session with the traveling FOD Festers to celebrate love, life, music and passion on one stage. The amazing thing is an audience is allowed to witness these artists feeding off of each other, fusing together and creating a unique sound that is formulated in the same instant it's plucked, strummed, beat or sung.

There are no words that best describe the overwhelming sensations and power of the music they provide. Appreciating the beautiful music makes it easy to forget the dark event that birthed the organization, or perhaps it just makes it easier to focus on the passionate and rich life of Daniel Pearl, which FOD Fest was formed to commemorate.

During the Cafe Carpe performance, singer/songwriter Sonia (without her band Disappear Fear) performed a particularly touching piece sung in Pakistani "on purpose," as she put it, "because that's probably the last language Danny ever heard." I'm certain those words will forever remind me of the beautiful, passive song that followed, creating an interesting - yet haunting - dichotomy.

I only hope that FOD Fest continues to grow, as it has over the past 5 years, and passes along all of the inspiration and hope that so many people so desperately need. Let us not dwell on the bad, but rather join together to enforce the good and sing its praises of peace, love and life.

Visit the FOD Fest website to learn more, www.fodfest.org.

For Daniel Pearl.

Recent news item: Israel Remembers Daniel Pearl Through Cultural Understanding, Music

Quarter-Life Crisis

I've been told that I am not supposed to do this. That I'm not suppose to reflect on my past 25 years and try and figure out if I've accomplished a satisfactory amount for my age. I'm not suppose to wonder if I'm going to have kids too old, or if I'm going to see the parts of the world that I want to. I'm not supposed to worry that if I don't get started now, I'll never make it to New York City to push myself to the limit and try and make it in the dog-eat-dog lifestyle of the metropolitan.

But, I'm going to.

And instead of focusing on what I have not done, I'm going to take a positive approach and remind myself of the things I have been able to accomplish in my 25 years (skipping the early years, because what does any child accomplish besides writing their name, reading and making messes?)

**NOTE: This may be boring to read, I did this mostly to remind myself to stay positive, not for others to "enjoy"

1. Domestic Travel - When I was younger, I thought International travel was the only form of respectable travel. Then, as I got older, I realized that I needed to learn to appreciate my own country and its variances before I could truly appreciate another country and its cultural beauty.

• Arizona - Phoenix, Grand Canyon, Flagstaff, Sedona, Four Corners (does that mean I can count Utah and New Mexico?)
  
• California - L.A., Venice Beach Boardwalk, Yosemite, San Jose, San Francisco, Fishermans Wharf, City Lights Bookstore, Castro District, Eureka, PCH, Sausalito
  
• Colorado - Grand Junction
  
• Florida - Orlando, Disney World, Pensacola
  
• Georgia - Savannah
  
• Illinois - Chicago, Gurnee, Decatur, Rosemont, Great America, Wrigley Field, Museum of Science and Industry: King Tut Exhibit
  
• Indiana - Indianapolis
  
• Iowa - Dubuque, Des Moines, Ames
  
• Kentucky - Louisville, Colonel Sanders' first restaurant "Gloria Sanders" still served family style, 4th Street Live
  
• Louisiana - New Orleans, Bourbon Street, Loyola/Tulane, Garden District, Audobon Park, French Quarter, Muffulatas and Hurricanes, Po-Boys and Crawfish
  
• Michigan - Kewana Peninsula, Detroit
  
• Minnesota - Minneapolis, Biggest Ball of Twine
  
• Missouri - Branson, Ozarks, St. Louis
  
• Nevada - Las Vegas, Zumanity Cirque du Soleil, Piano Bar
  
• Ohio - Cincinatti, Cleveland
  
• Oregon - Eugene, Portland
  
• Pennsylvania - Philadelphia, Liberty Bell
  
• South Dakota - Mt. Rushmore, Badlands
  
• Tennessee - Nashville, Dollywood, Appalachain Mountains, Manchester, Bonnaroo
  
• Washington - Tacoma, Seattle, Space Needle, Farmer's Market, Fish toss
  
• Washington D.C. - National Mall, American History Museum, Holocaust Museum, WWII memorial, Washington Monument, Lincoln Memorial, Capital, Arlington Cemetery, Drag Queen Brunch, Inauguration 2009
  
• Wisconsin - Madison, Green Bay, Lambeau Field, Appleton, Wicked, Symphony, Milwaukee, Miller Stadium, The Domes

2. International Travel - I can begin to explain how passionate I am to travel and see and experience all the different countries and cultures of the world. My list is short, but I only anticipate it to grow with me. I never plan to stop traveling the globe and learning about the world I live in.

• Spain: Madrid - Palacio Real, Plaza Mayor, El Prado Museum; Barcelona, Sevilla - Alcazar; Cordoba, Malaga - Alhambra; Grenada, Valencia, Zaragoza - Plazo del Pilar; Toledo, Torremolinos, Cadiz, Segovia - El aqueducto
• France: Paris - Tour Eiffel, L'arc de Triumph, Seine River, Notre Dame, Picasso Museum, Louvre (Mona Lisa, Antonio Canova's Psyche Revived by Cupid's Kiss, Venus de Milo, Nike of Samothrace), Champs Elysee, Sacre Coeur, Versailles, Le Grande Palais (Warhol exhibit), Tuileries Gardens; Neris les Bains
  
• England: London - Theatre District, Hyde Park, London Bridge, River Thames, The London Underground, Tower of London, Big Ben; Peterborough: Peterborough Cathedral
• Morocco: Tangiers - camel ride, mint tea, market
• Dominican Republic: Punta Cana
• Ecuador: Quito - Guayasamin, Virgen del Quito; Cuenca - El Cajas Parque Nacional, Parque Calderon, CEDEI (school), Manta (beach), Principal, Guayaquil, Mount Chimborazo, Amazon Rainforest

3. Played in a symphony - it was while I was still in High School, but it was something I loved so much, and something I miss terribly

4. Bonnaroo - I saw Radiohead, Tom Petty w/ Stevie Nicks, Ben Folds, Bright Eyes, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, and came face to face with Lewis Black and got a smile. One of the best times of my life.

5. Great Trip West - Speaking of one of the best times of my life, this may be one of the greatest. A successful and action packed roadtrip with my best friend from L.A. to Spokane, WA in 10 days. L.A. Hollywood Blvd., hiking in Runyan Canyon, Venice Beach Boardwalk; Yosemite, bear attacks car two down from our rental, hike up to the top of a waterfall, mule ride through the mountains; San Jose, surfing lessons; San Fran, Castro District, Little Italy, China Town, Fisherman's Wharf, Haight and Ashbury, Golden Gate Bridge, park lounging; Sausalito, breakfast with the sunrise overlooking the bay and Golden Gate Bridge; Pacific Coast Highway; Eugene, OR; Portland; Spokane; Seattle, City Market, Space Needle

6. The Inauguration of President Obama - an inspirational moment in my life where I truly felt like good things were to come, and for once a person was running the country because he cared about the people, not about the politics. Beautiful speeches and celebrations.

7. Career - this does seem like an accomplishment to me. I've already started to get experience in my career field, and I love my job. Maybe not every part of it, but I truly know that what I'm doing is something I love to do and want to keep doing.

8. Spanish - I'm not fluent, but I'm fluent enough, and I love the language and I love knowing the language and being able to travel and use it. It's been an amazing gift that I've been able to use for both work and travel to make other people more comfortable and able to communicate with me. It has allowed me to enculturate myself with another people (Ecuador and Spain), as well as help translate when someone can't get their point across. I've been able to help in the classroom with ESL students, and was able to talk to immigrant workers while in college. It's comforting to others to be able to hear and speak their native language, and I love being able to bring that comfort to them. It doesn't hurt that when you travel, people respect you more if you can speak in the native tongue.

Now, thought I shouldn't dwell on things I haven't done, I'll put a positive spin on this too,
"Things yet to be accomplished":

1. Write a novel - I have ideas, I just don't have the motivation to start. I'll have to just sit down one day and do it. Why not today?

2. Learn French and Sign Language - Languages have always been important to me, though I've only ever focused on my Spanish, I've tried my hand at French and Sign Language and really want to master these two languages. I've got the tools, I just need to either learn to teach myself, or find a teacher.

3. Move to NYC - It's a weird goal, but I feel like I have to do it as part of my growing process as an individual and a professional. It's extremely outside of my comfort zone, which is why it's a must-do.

4. Continue to travel - the world is big, and I have a lot of places on my list I still want to see.

5. Get my graduate degree - whether it's in English Writing, English Literature, Sociology or something totally random and useless, I'm a lifelong student and I miss school. I'd love to be able to continue my education, and maybe get a doctorate and teach for a while. How amazing would it be to inspire the next generation of writers?!

6. Start my magazine - I've had the idea stewing, and I just don't know when the right time is to really start piecing the plan together. I suppose there is no time like the present. I feel like this is an accomplishment best set for NYC living.

7. Investigate Organizations - I had two ideas I thought would be meaningful organizations to have in the world. One is to help the homeless, and the other to show appreciation for your fellow man. I don't know where to begin on these ideas either, but hopefully soon I'll be given the opportunity to see if there is any value to them.

I'm pretty even on the goals vs. accomplishments, which makes me think that though the tasks that lie ahead of me are grand, maybe I can achieve them within my next 25 years :)

I love birthdays, I really, really do. I selfishly love the attention, but I also love realizing just how many people in your life care about you.

My dad sang me happy birthday (well, the first line of it) and sent me flowers, my friends threw me a surprise birthday party, I have dinner tonight with my family, dinner tomorrow with Eric then drinks with friends, dinner with Eric's family on Saturday.

The following weekend I'm going home to spend time with friends and family. Friday I may reunite with one of my best friends from high school and college, Saturday I have a date with Manda to create artistic masterpieces followed by girls night of dinner and a movie, Sunday is brunch with my cousins, brother and grandma, and then a shopping excursion with mommy dearest.

I think what I love most about birthdays is that they are a celebration of life, and I really REALLY love my life. Even in the worst of times, I know how lucky I am for everyone and everything I have.

I feel like I should end this post with, "And God bless us, everyone" or something hokey... but I won't.

Love 401: The Fantasy Romance

Recently I've become a bit involved in the Twilight phenomenon, and through curious web browsing found that there are thousands of fans of the fictional novel series that hope that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart end up together in real life.

This is the same as Harry Potter fans wanting Rupert and Emma to date. It's this strange happening where fans need the relationship to be real to solidify that the fantasy can happen. It's not pathetic, it's depressing.

I'll admit, I'm a sucker for a happy ending, a soul-mate infused love story, and of course I want that unbridled passion and never-ending commitment to happen to me, but I almost feel bad for people that get sucked so far into a fiction novel/movie that they can't live without the story being a reality.

It seems that in people's attempts to grasp something fake, they try to will it to become tangible. What kind of satisfaction can a fan of a fictional romance have, even if the relationship were to be real? Is it hope they need that it can happen to them someday too? Do they want the "star-crossed lover" event to be possible, or is it so far fetched that some feel that if the leads of the Twilight series were to date, then suddenly it would be feasible that the fairy-tale of vampires and love lust would seem less out of reach?

Is it out of desperation that people hope and pray and badger and pressure for stars in on-screen romances to take it off-screen?

A fear, or rather a beginner's psychological guess, is that these fans (or psychotically-obsessed persons, whichever) may be ruining their own capabilities to love someone in a normal setting. Constantly keeping your head in the clouds, or sandwiched between pages of fiction, can make ordinary life unsatisfactory. A normal relationship would seem dull and bland without the magic of a fairy-tale. People will waste years and years of their lives pursuing their "Edward" as it would seem, only to end up alone and unhappy, possibly depressed and feeling as though they'll never find that true-love like they desperately wanted from the movies.

Spending too much time with one's head in the clouds can, in effect, cause someone's feet to never be firmly planted on the ground of reality. The detachment from the real world can really ruin a person's perspective on what is feasible for romance. Not to say that there isn't soul-mates, unbridled passion, endless endearment, or anything of that nature, but searching for that one-true-love is like looking for a needle in a haystack, a very large haystack.

Fairytale romances are meant to be exaggerated and seemingly unworldly. The fantasy element is suppose to detach it from the constraints of the real world so the magic of the relationship can expound beyond reality. It isn't suppose to detach its audience longer than the 2.5 hours it's allotted. Maybe a little bit longer for some harmless daydreaming, but I do fear for the youth and teens of today that grow up seeing through "Twilight-shaded glasses" looking for their Edward instead of looking for a run-of-the-mill Prince Charming.

Here's a reality check for the ladies out there, most guys are not charming enough, nor mature enough to be an Edward, EVER. Beyond that, pretty sure there aren't vampires out there, let alone any that wouldn't eat you instead of kiss you.

I'm victim to the fantasies too. Romeo and Juliet was an obsession of my own for years in high school. I also never dated and still feel that my dating skills are sub-par at best. Do I blame the years wasted on fantasy and day-dreams? Not entirely, but I do hold on to an unrealistic expectation of being swept off my feet. Of finding my star-crossed lover.

I've come to this realization. Harmless wishing for a perfect life is fine, as long as you are able to balance real life's relationships without comparison to the dream. They must remain separate. Wishing for perfection and expecting it are two different things. And we all know perfection doesn't exist.

Un-Civil War

Premonition of Civil War by Dalí

"Two households, both alike in dignity
In fair Verona, where we lay our scene.
From ancient grudge, break to new mutiny
Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean"
- Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet

I've said it a few times since I started to pay closer attention to the hostile murmur running through the political atmosphere. I truly believe that in our lifetime we may see another civil war.

I can't explain it, but I just have a feeling in my gut. Watching extremists such as Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck (who had no problem calling the President of the United States a racist on public television, classy guy) slowly build up a following, and knowing equally that there are extremists on the other end of the spectrum, though I can't think of any, nor do any come to mind that are in the public eye constantly, I really feel a civil war is inevitable.

The growth of people's involvement, with many of our ignorances staying constant, is a blind build in frustration. Take for example South Carolina Congressman (R) Joe Wilson's outburst DURING the President's speech. Don't think for a second that I don't feel that Mr. Wilson had every right to feel angry or even to believe that Obama was lying, but to show such disrespect for an appointed leader, THE leader of the United States, and to bellow out such an accusation purely out of disrespect, shows our eventual fall to anarchy. When our own elected congress officials no longer believe in the system and follow respectful protocol, I don't think there is long before this becomes worse.

Opinions, of course you are entitled, but Mr. Wilson you represent the entire state of South Carolina when you take that seat, and when your own party members are ashamed of your actions, don't you think that you may have overstepped your boundaries? When Senator John McCain voices that he should be showing respect for the President, which I agree with completely, and when a Republican Senator (I forget who, but it was an interview and I can't find it) agrees that he saw room for discussion to keep this on the table until people were more happy with it, I can't help but think there is something more to this outburst and to the continued rally cries of Fox News.

I hate the race card. I hate when people play it, and I really hate when it is used as a scapegoat for people's actions, and I hate it even more when I remind myself that it IS still a present factor in people's actions, which is juvenile and distasteful, immature and ridiculous all at the same time. But when President Jimmy Carter claims that the outburst of Mr. Wilson, as well as things like "Obama should be buried with Kennedy", "Obama's a Nazi", and pictures of Obama with a Hitler mustache are due to the lack of respect of a black president, it makes me think twice that maybe it isn't a scapegoat.

Beyond race, because it's just a theory and I care not to dwell on it holding truth, and I pray it doesn't, there is something scary, downright terrifying about the electric anger throughout the country. Every Jack and Joe has a soap box to declare how much they hate how things are going, many of whom don't pay enough attention to know what they are fighting against. That includes news reporters. They ask the questions that direct the angle of the story they report. Don't think for a second that any reporter is able to stay totally unbiased, though I would claim that Fox certainly is proud of their voice and the damage it could be doing to split our nation instead of helping to unite us and make our country stronger.

You also mean to tell me that a 1,018 page Health Bill has been read and reviewed by every person that cares to take portions out of context, presumably, and then blast that out to ignorant followers, only to form a coup of angry ignorance, also used to describe hate groups. Is that what we have become? Is that the direction we are headed?

I truly think we are. We're becoming polarized. Bipartisanship has been discussed, and I know it hasn't been perfect, but I believe there has been an attempt made on Obama's part. Others, I feel not. For example, Senators, Congressman and other elected officials who represent their states seem to think they can represent a party (Republican, Democrat, etc.) but do they not understand that they merely represent a majority, not an entire state. Each elected official must understand that he or she must also be bipartisan within his or herself. Representing a majority is not enough. You represent all of the people who appointed you, and you cannot simply side with a party without taking into consideration that each issue may be represented and weighed differently to your statesmen.

I've been told more than once that I have a Utopian viewpoint of how things could be, but I see so much potential for people to be calm, patient, inquisitive, want to be informed of the things they have an opinion on, yet every day it seems more and more people only want to get a little face time in a camera yelling their opinions that lack a foundation under them. Every day more people choose to mindlessly follow a crowd then to stand on their own two feet and think for themselves. It's a sad state we are in, and an even more depressing place we are headed, and I'm not talking economically.

Which also irritates me. People upset about the recovery act, the recession, and Obama's help to jump-start the economy. How many of you people paid attention in Economics class? How many of you actually took an Economics class? Because if you did, I don't think so many would jump to conclude that with a stimulus package we should be instantly in the clear a month later. For people to be upset that we aren't "back to normal" like we were two years ago is just a little far fetched and unfounded in my eyes. It seems unintelligent a statement to make, and another reason to just complain about something instead of calmly be patient and find a way to be helpful to the progress of things, not detrimental.

Those people that outright said they wanted President Obama to fail, how dare you say such a thing. You should be ashamed that you want a President to fail, thus your own country. You would rather the country deteriorate so your wish of a President's failure can come true instead of showing maturity and working to formulate a solid complaint, voice it, and seek an answer or solution. Instead, they form armies of whiny fat adults with nothing better to do, to piss and moan of the injustices of '' er... injustice of... er, all the injustices!"

I made my proclamation before, and I stand by it. If what I fear comes to fruition and a Civil War II breaks out, I'm gone. I will have officially lost faith in the ability of America to be a civil and just nation of intelligent people. I hear Vancouver is nice. I speak Spanish, I can always go South. Teach English in Ecuador. See the world. But I refuse to remain in a country that sends our soldiers to another country's civil war just because we have invested interest in what this country can give us, and call them "uncivilized" 2nd or 3rd world countries, and then stoop to that level of criticism, which I'm sure we would never apply to ourselves. We'd be "different than the other countries". We always are. We're perfect. We're Americans.

Changing with the seasons

I've come to realize that I am one of the most wishy washy people in the world. I pick up a hobby and drop it within 3 months over and over and over. There is hardly anything I consistently do besides go to work (which I am slowly realizing I am a work-a-holic). Here are just a few examples of things I've "dabbled in" recently, and subsequently dropped:

1. Viola - Begged for a viola 2 years ago. Received a viola for X-mas 2008. Spent the next month or two getting it set up, tuned, accesssories purchased, etc. Practiced for a few months, found a private teacher. Went to one lesson in the summer, freaked out, left almost in tears, never picked up the instrument again. I still have a hankering to play, especially listening to classical music during work, but I apparently can't handle private lessons, so how am I supposed to get better? I just want to play in an orchestra dammit, not be a soloist!

2. Sign Language - again, I need a teacher. There is only so much sign language I can learn myself before I need to have someone to sign to. I can do signs for family members, questions, and basic stuff like the alphabet, but I just can't learn from a book.

3. French - I'm beginning to see a pattern here. I don't learn by myself. I took French in college briefly, enough to get a base, then I had CDs that I bought to keep up with it after graduation. When Paris came up for a work trip, I promised myself I'd learn more, but the CDs are so ANNOYING! Why do I want to be able to ask a stranger where he wants to go to lunch? I need verbs, conjugation, and interaction with others to make it stick in my brain.

4. Biking - This one never even got off the ground. I decided I'd like to start biking to work, since I live so close, so my mom gave me her old bike that she never used. I got it all the way home, hung it up in the garage (cause it was close to winter so I wasn't going to be using it for a while anyways) and that is where it remains. It's never even been off the hook. Biggest problem: I don't want to bike to work because I sweat like a champ and that's disgusting, and I don't want to bike with a briefcase and a change of clothes and my lunch. Not going to happen.

5. Yoga - I bought yoga DVDs, I have the Fit TV channel, got a yoga mat for the same Xmas as the viola, and never do it. Problems that arose: my yoga DVD instructor is an annoying (not soothing) crazy work out person who is "JUST JAZZED TO BE MOVING", I hate working out in front of people, and Eric is always home watching TV, so I would have to do the workout while he watches. And, I was spoiled in college. I was friends with 2 great yoga instructors, so I went to their classes they taught on campus. So convenient and fun.

On the bright side, I have found a Yoga Studio in Janesville (even though that is QUITE a drive, like 45 minutes) but I might make the effort to go to one class a week, and there are weekend classes so if I don't have to work, I could make a day of it and visit the family (and the mall).

6. Working out - I was really good for a while. I'd say I had a decent run of consistent working out from November 08 to March 09, but then I completely lost interest, a lot of which had to do with the cost of membership. The main reason though was that for the first 2.5 months I really thought I would be able to run the half marathon in May, but after strength training my bad knee and using the elliptical to keep the impact on it low, I tried the treadmill only to find that I still couldn't get a mile without my knee hurting. From past experience, I know I can make it around 3 miles before the pain is unbearable and it starts to lock up.

To keep up a semi-decent workout routine, I play tennis a couple times a week with Eric (on non-busy weeks when I get home from work by 5) and play volleyball once a week. I'm not in shape, I get it, but I feel healthy and I'm not willing to pay $40 a month to use a facility with a bunch of people staring at me.

7. Knitting - my winter past-time for a few years. Problem: I got bored making scarves. The idea of making a pair of mittens or a hat is amusing, but I find it easier to just buy something I like instead of making something that is ridiculous.

8. Rollerblading/Rollerskating - the girls from work and I have talked about going to the RollerRink in Watertown (?) for a fun group activity, yet never actually capitalized on it. Similarly, Lisa and I have talked about buying rollerblades to get a fun work out after work, but rollerblades are expensive and WE'RE IN AN ECONOMIC CRISIS DAMMIT!

9. This blog - Oh the irony of it all. I start the blog to keep my fingers typing, and I end up forgetting I even have a blog. The other thing is, I really don't have anything all that important to say or discuss.

In summation, there are things I still want to do, but it just seems like the days slip by without getting anything done. I'm keeping up with reading when I get a moment, and I've started to really enjoy cooking, but the constant upkeep of the house (the dishes, the laundry, the cooking, grocery shopping), tennis, volleyball, weekend job, it all leaves very little time for me to play anymore.

Effort Lost

Last night I had a horrible case of the "Don't want to make the effort" blues. It got me thinking, what is it that happens to make a person choose to have an emotional shut down instead of continued effort. Here's the scenario:

I wanted to hang out with the girls from work last night. I was thinking this was going to be something that started at maybe 8 or 9 o'clock with a little bar time, be home by 11. By 8 p.m. I'm chilling with one of the girls, waiting for the other two and potentially 4 people to swing by the house to get the party started. 2 cancelled, and the other 2 didn't show up until 10 p.m. Well, by this time I've been have a lovely, relaxing one-on-one with the other girl for 2 hours, and I didn't want to be out extremely late.

Oh well, I get badgered into it and at 10:30 we head to Velvet Lips for drinks. Unfortunately, I had lost the will and the energy to be social. Two hours of one-on-one chatting had drained me and I was not feeling the two way conversation. I was alllll about the listening at this point.

Bear in mind I was tired to begin with which was the reason for the early curfew. By 12:30 I'm no longer even having a good time. Not only have I had to extend my chatting longer than I had wanted, but it's late and I'm really flippin tired.

There was a band playing, so I couldn't hear what was going on across the table, and we kept having random people coming over to the table trying to start a conversation. Lame.

What bugs me though, is that I don't want to be a dud. I want to be fun and lively and conversational, yet I just couldn't do it. I can't figure out if it was a decision, or if the effort was lost in my drowsiness. But at 1 a.m. I left for the bathroom and decided I would just walk back to my car and say screw it.

To be honest I did it to avoid the "why are you leaving?" questions and the boring answer of "I'm tired". But I think it must have looked like a pouty child leaving a room when they aren't getting enough attention.

I hate social failures like that. Usually I can B.S. my way through conversations, bring up random topics, keep the chatter moving along and keep myself and others engaged, but I 110% failed. It's embarassing.

Does this ever happen to anyone else? Tell me your stories because I feel like a real lame-o.

Family Ties

So I haven't touched this blog in a solid month. Sometimes I just don't have a whole lot to say, and I took a break because I felt like I was blogging about random shit that didn't matter, and I didn't want one of those blogs. I have a little time now, since I can't seem to write my story any longer at work, so I figure get one good blog in for March.

I've been thinking a lot about family, its importance to me, and mostly how it isn't as important to others. It's confusing to me how families can be so distant and dismissive of each other when family is supposedly the backbone of society. Family ties are what make the difficult seem possible to survive, they give you support when you're in trouble, they stand beside you when no one else will, they lend a helping hand when you need it, and stand aside when it's time to strike out on your own.

I've always felt extremely blessed when it came to family. I absolutely love every member (as far as aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents beyond the nuclear family). My brother is my best friend. My mom and I are extremely similar and close. My dad is my strength (and my Achilles heel). My aunts are like my sisters, cousins like siblings, some almost like my own kids. And my grandparents, I mean, they're the coolest ever! I would put them in a cage match with anyone's grandparents and they'd win, hands down.

However, they can also let you down sometimes, such as my dad has decided to do. He has always moved, but it was always temporary. He was always coming back, eventually. This time he's not. He's moving to Pheonix, Arizona, for good. Not that I don't honor his decision to live his life as he wants, but I really feel abandoned. It seems stupid to say considering I don't see him all that often now, and I'm 24 years old, not 4. Nonetheless, it kinda sucks to feel like your dad doesn't care that he's moving across the country and splitting up the closeness of the family.

It is because of this move though that I decided to re-analyze what family really means. If it were defined as the days of old, it would mean a happily married mom and dad with 2.5 kids and a dog. Well, scratch that, I've got 2 unhappily divorced, happily remarried parents with 2 kids and 4 add-in siblings. And, of course, if labels don't define family, neither should location. He's no less of a family member being in Phoenix, nor does he remove himself from his role in the family.

BUT, he's leaving me and my brother, he's leaving his mother who will be officially alone besides my brother and my cousin Erin who are still in town, and he shows not reservations about any of it. That, I think, is what really bothers me. He doesn't seem to care that he's leaving everyone behind. If he was at least sad or apologetic that he was moving away but felt it was what would make him happy, that would be different. He hasn't said one "I'm sorry" or batted one eyelash about the whole ordeal, and is damn near mute when I ask how he feels leaving his mom alone and abandoned.

Like I said, my dad is my strength, but my Achilles heel. I've decided to take the high road on this one though, and I'm going to make him a cheesy scrapbook with pictures of the family for him to take with and intermittently I'm going to write little letters thanking him for all of the life lessons he's taught me, all of the milestones he was there for, all of the trying times we made it through alive, and all of the things in my life he made possible. It is disgustingly sappy, but I just need to do it so he knows I support his decision, no matter how much I hate him for making it.

Why do I get the feeling this proves I'm all grown up?